Well that didn't work...

I'm wondering if there's something inside me, which is just incapable of following a plan. Logically, I know that I've already lost most of the weight I need to lose, and yet these last pounds, it's impossible to actually lose. Or, seemingly it's impossible.

This, as you may be able to guess, comes after me weighing in this morning, and it didn't go well. I gained three pounds, and find myself creeping back towards ten stone, when not that long ago, I was in the eights.

My clothing, is starting to get tight again, and I threw out all of my larger clothes.

So, what did I do after getting off of the scales this morning, and finding out that I'd gained a lot of weight?

I went to Starbucks, and then to KFC, and then I bought chocolate and simply put, I wound up eating basically my entire days calories, twice!

I am desperate to get to my goal weight, and yet my attitude seems to be, that it won't hurt to just eat this and that and everything else, because I can just work it off later and it won't matter. Only it keeps mattering, and I keep tricking myself into thinking that it doesn't matter.

Refocusing on my diet, seems to be the hardest thing for me right now, and all I can do, is hope that it'll get better soon, before I put all of the weight back on.

Feeling Like a Failure

Is it a healthy attitude, to label yourself a failure? Probably not, and yet that's what I'm finding myself doing. Not only have I not posted for ages, but the reason I haven't posted, is my biggest failure. You've probably guessed what it is, my weight.

Not that long ago, just a few short months to be exact, I had just got back into the eight stones, for the first time since I was seventeen. I was so thrilled, and then it all went wrong.

For reasons I still don't understand, I not only stopped following the whole foods plan which I know I feel better on, but I also stopped following any diet, and overeating again. I've tried over and over these past few weeks to get back on track, and I'll do it for a day or two, and then slip up and start eating all the wrong foods in very large quantities.

As far as tracking goes? I've fallen into habits of tricking myself. I reach the point where I've logged enough food to reach or slightly go over my calorie allowance, and then I'll stop logging food and yet I don't stop eating it.

From pastries to sugary drinks, pizza to copious amounts of chocolate. I've been grabbing at all of it, and I don't know why. Yes, it tastes good, but so does the healthy food. Yes, it's convenient, especially when I'm having poor health days, and can't cook anything. However, I could batch cook in advance on good days, so that the healthy food is just as quick and easy to get someone to grab for me.

My weight keeps creeping up, then I'll get upset, lose a pound or two of it, and then put it back on again. It's gotten to the point where I'm back up at 9st 6lbs. I've been yo-yoing between this weight and a pound heavier for weeks.

Exercise has basically disappeared from my daily life. I always have a new excuse, and sometimes it's a good one, like I'm really unwell (I've been having a lot of bad days lately). Sometimes, it's awful excuses, such as, I'm binge watching Lie to Me on Netflix, and I don't want to turn it off to do a workout. Told you it was an awful excuse.

I keep trying to motivate myself. I browse weight loss tips, quotes etc on pinterest. I tell myself I'll follow a certain challenge. I make charts for my wall. I set myself goals of when to reach goal weight. Then I ignore all of it and reach for a large bar of chocolate.

Today, I ate 90% wholefoods, only slipping up with two items. I stayed within my calories and I felt so proud of myself. It reminded me that it isn't all that hard to stick to a diet plan. I just need to get my determination back, because I am so close to goal (though not as close as I was, which is upsetting).

All in all, recently I've been feeling like a failure. I've lost so much, so why can't I get this last bit off? Why can't I follow the plan now?

My hope going forward, is that I can slowly get back into whole foods, and try my best to stay within my calories everyday. As well as get more exercise. I also hope to write more here, and not shy away whenever my weight starts creeping up.

So, the same old refrain from me. I'm doing bad. I hope to do better.

Maybe this time I'll mean it.